Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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