dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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