I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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