no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
