Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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