After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
