It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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