His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
