He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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