explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize