Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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