So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I need a beard to bite.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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