There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
