He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
