mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize