i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
