Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
