OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
