so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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