you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
