I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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