At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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