when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
