so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
