found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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