Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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