is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
