i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
