This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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