I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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