first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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