You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
