I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
