How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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