I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
