I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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