3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
