he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
