Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
