So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
