His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
3pm strippers are depressing
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
