Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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