I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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