i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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