Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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