New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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