I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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