Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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