Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
