Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
