You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize