Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize