I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
