when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
