this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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