your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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