i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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