Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
