im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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