OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize