That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
